All night shenanigans

Well, in my late hours of restlessness, I've been thinking much more than I normally do.
Way more.

Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.

My whole life.

But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...

See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.

It came back.

The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK

fuck

Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..

TAKINGCRAZYPILLS

cantstoptalkingtomyself

I just had a ten minute conversation with myself and the computer.
Sort of forgot what I was doing there for the last two minutes.

cantdozeofflikethat

If anyone want's to chat, you can normally catch me on my msn,   zer0harts@hotmail.com
It's not like you'd be ruining my night, really you'd probably do me some favors...

coffeesmokethendrawing

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Really hate this.
I HATE ALL OF THIS.

Man I hate alot of things lately...
I hate that even more. I was never like that before, I was a pretty happy person last time I checked. Had lots of friends, a boyfriend, a life.
Whats my life now? Work and sitting in my room all hours of the night.

I went to a party last night. I got invited to one by some people I had gotten to know at work. What do I do? Go to the party and only talk to the people who came outside for smokes. I just sort of sat there alone, listening to shitty techno pop music and thinking "I only had a smoke 5 minutes ago, fuck it I need another."
It's like I don't even want to be around people anymore, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I tried calling some of my old friends, finally got ahold of Pickles's mom, she said he just sort of up and moved  last week. No calls, no emails, nothing. Him and Steph (his girlfriend) just grabbed a few bags of stuff and poof. Rode into the sunset never to return.

Which is weird, as nonchalant and 'un-caring' as he is, Pickles is a mama's boy, he's all she has left so I can't see him just up and leaving her. But he left a message on her fridge, she was only taking a walk down to the store when it happened. She guesses it was Steph, who had been bugging him to move out of the apartment in his moms basement for a good year now.

Pickles, if you read this at all, please call me, or at least call your mother, okay?

So yeah, nothing much else. Couldn't get a hold of anyone and I just mostly fucked around today. I have work tomorrow so I'm going to see if I can't actually get some fucking sleep tonight, and if not I have some new drawings I should work on I guess..

OH, I had a message on my phone when I got back from the party last night, from that 000 000 0000 number again. I asked someone at work and they said it was most likely a blocked telemarketer number, but wouldn't it just come up as 'blocked number' or 'unknown number' like it did for every other call made by a blocked number? And why would they leave a message? Well, nothing was on the message just some white noise and static so...

I don't even know anymore, everything is all turned upside down, and I'm just trying to get used to it.

Awoke to a headache

4 days without sleep, worked two 13 and a half hour shifts two days in a row.
My dogs are barking and I just finished my nap. Anyone up for a foot massage?

Anyway. Started tripping BALLS last night walking home from work. Leaving the building I turned my head while I was grabbing at my lighter from my bag to light a smoke and I see this... white.. shape (????? really I have no CLUE what it was, I just saw something white) move behind the wall.
I went to look because I heard someone talking, and I see a guy standing 15ft away on a cell phone chatting. Couldn't have been him, he was wearing dark colours and he wouldn't have made it that far in such a short amount of time, only took me a second or two. If he ran I'm sure I would have heard an echo or footsteps or something.

So at that point I said fuck this I need a nap and waddled my sore ass home.
Of course I can't just walk home in peace, I have to walk by a trail.. lots of 'em, and trees in the night time is something I don't like. You can't see anything and that's got me paranoid all the time. So here I am walking home, seeing white figures and now hearing shit in the trees. I jogged home, telling myself it was just an animal, probably a coyote since they are big here and was just stalking me out. I got home and locked myself inside, drank coffee and sat in my room. I would have gone to sleep but the party next door had other plans for me too.

Glad I got a good nap in when I got home today, I really needed that. Didn't see shit today just...
A feeling of.. pressure. In my head, on my stomach and on my ribs too. Alot on my ribs, I should check to see if anything is messed up again. Last thing I need is a piece of my rib floating around my body again...

So.. not much else. Other than the insomnia getting worse, nothing much else.

Pretty boring really. Don't know if I like that much or not... most excitement I get now is sleep deprivation trip outs, and thats not exciting just... bad.

Smoke time. Fuck I'm glad I don't work today.

Write it while it's fresh

little mouse little mouse
where do you sleep?
i am looking everywhere
but i don't hear a peep

little mouse little mouse
come outside to play
i have got a treat for you
if you stay with me all day

little mouse little mouse
you know it's time to eat
so pull away your sleepy eyes
and come out from where you sleep

little mouse little mouse
my tummy growls so loud
if you do not come
out
soon
then it will start to howl

LITTLE MOUSE LITTLE MOUSE
WHERE HAVE YOU GONE HAVE YOU GONE?
I AM CATCHING UP TO YOU
IT WON'T BE VERY LONG

littlemouse little mouse
you know you cannot hide
so here i'll wait patiently
you i can always find

Again with this

I have work in six hours. What did I decide to do?
Have one of those nights where I can't sleep.

AGAIN.

I don't even know what does it anymore. I could be slowly drifting into sleep and a car will honk outside.
THATS IT. FUCKED FOR THE NIGHT.

Man this is driving me up the wall. But I just... don't want to sleep.
I mean I WANT TO. But something in me is saying I shouldn't. The call I got earlier today has been running through my head all night.
Been trying to draw, or write to get it off my mind, but it doesn't work. Just bored, sitting here slowly driving myself into a small box of insanity. I'm sitting here talking to myself just to have something to do, to have some kind of human contact...

I need someone else besides myself to talk to, but I can't... talk to anyone. I don't know anyone here, and really at this point I'm sure I'd just scare people away. At least that just seems like whats going on recently.

More coffee is needed.

PUT IT ON REPEAT

Remember the officer that I was talking to back home?
You know the one the one that did up my report when I went missing? Officer Robert?
I just woke up to my cell phone hoping it was work calling me back about my hours, but was delightfully surprised to hear him on the other end.

"Remember those kids that went missing? We found some of them, just out of thin air."

I mean it's not like alot of people around my town went missing, two students from the trade collage and a couple that worked a bit out of town at the museum. The two from the school have come back but the couple are still missing. Apparently the students where found not too far from the waterfalls in town, by the trail. But like me they don't remember anything so the cops are at an end again.

He but me through the regular do you remember anything, has anyone contacted you since this happened blah blah. I told him I can't even remember the last two months too well with all the sleep I had. We spoke for a bit more, he also told me mom and Luc are doing okay...

thatsgood

So if I remember anything I have to call him. Still.

I also got to sleep sometime this morning. I can't remember what time, it was after 6:30 in the morning.
A two hour nap isn't so bad, had a fucked up dream about my ex though. And a hasbrown...
Hungry.

Alright later.