I guess, answers are needed.
I was walking home from work, and I got a call, from the hospital in my home-town. Turns out they had been trying to get ahold of me for two days, funny that since I had no missed calls from anyone.
Wish I almost did now..
At least I would have known.
My mother, is.. dead.
Found in her bedroom. I can't get any details, when they told me what happened I was pretty...
hysterical?
defiantlynotthewordimlookingfor
I drove, all night just to get here. I'm staying in my cousins apartment without her knowing, lucky I know where her spare key is...
I don't know what to do...
Thay can't find Luc, my little brother, he's just... gone. I don't have my hopes up, at all, I wish I could but I just...
what the fuck do i do
i'm alone now
what the fuck do i do
what the fuck do i do
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
totheDASH
Went for a walk this morning. Gorgeous outside, went and saved up my tips and lo behold I got myself a super cheap crappy (yet fully workable) MP3 player/radio thingy. So I had music and a nice walk, plus money to get more smokes,
That should be a good day right?
Why do I feel so paranoid. Why am I turning my head to look behind me, why am I steering from people walking on the same path as me, why am I keeping the lights on all night. Something bad is going to happen, and it seems like everybody else knows it, or feels it?
jesus
I just, feel like it's there, watching when my head is turned. But nothing happens.
Sick of this nothing.
That should be a good day right?
Why do I feel so paranoid. Why am I turning my head to look behind me, why am I steering from people walking on the same path as me, why am I keeping the lights on all night. Something bad is going to happen, and it seems like everybody else knows it, or feels it?
jesus
I just, feel like it's there, watching when my head is turned. But nothing happens.
Sick of this nothing.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
busybusyBEE
Sorry for no updates lately.
Work has had a firm tight grip on me, and nicely enough when I get home at the end of the night I can lay down for three hours then wake up and get on the go again.
At least I'm getting that much, haha.
Work has been busy, today was probably the slowest which only makes the day go by slower, and because I'm a freak I have to makes sure I have NOTHING to do the next day at work, so I just sit there..
Drawing.
Some of the customers have asked to look through my sketchbook, got some nice feedback on some pictures so that's always good, and speaking of which, Nox, I got that picture started, might end up redoing them, but I have it started, and Mystery, god damn I have no idea what to draw for you haha.
Been sitting there with a blank piece of paper going "Huuur duuuurrr"
Other than all of that..
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
It's been quiet, and really... that's scaring me. Last time this happened, well, lots of stuff ended up ruining what hopes I had for awhile, and I'd rather it not happen again.
notthaticanstopit
But the strangest part is I don't even dream, and I can normally wake up and remember bits and pieces but the few days that I have slept is just...
nothing
I don't even know what to do with myself. I find myself staring blankly at the trees behind my house most of the time..
goddammitineedsomethingtodo
Work has had a firm tight grip on me, and nicely enough when I get home at the end of the night I can lay down for three hours then wake up and get on the go again.
At least I'm getting that much, haha.
Work has been busy, today was probably the slowest which only makes the day go by slower, and because I'm a freak I have to makes sure I have NOTHING to do the next day at work, so I just sit there..
Drawing.
Some of the customers have asked to look through my sketchbook, got some nice feedback on some pictures so that's always good, and speaking of which, Nox, I got that picture started, might end up redoing them, but I have it started, and Mystery, god damn I have no idea what to draw for you haha.
Been sitting there with a blank piece of paper going "Huuur duuuurrr"
Other than all of that..
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
It's been quiet, and really... that's scaring me. Last time this happened, well, lots of stuff ended up ruining what hopes I had for awhile, and I'd rather it not happen again.
notthaticanstopit
But the strangest part is I don't even dream, and I can normally wake up and remember bits and pieces but the few days that I have slept is just...
nothing
I don't even know what to do with myself. I find myself staring blankly at the trees behind my house most of the time..
goddammitineedsomethingtodo
Monday, August 22, 2011
All night shenanigans
Well, in my late hours of restlessness, I've been thinking much more than I normally do.
Way more.
Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.
My whole life.
But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...
See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.
It came back.
The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK
fuck
Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..
Way more.
Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.
My whole life.
But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...
See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.
It came back.
The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK
fuck
Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..
Sunday, August 21, 2011
TAKINGCRAZYPILLS
cantstoptalkingtomyself
I just had a ten minute conversation with myself and the computer.
Sort of forgot what I was doing there for the last two minutes.
cantdozeofflikethat
If anyone want's to chat, you can normally catch me on my msn, zer0harts@hotmail.com
It's not like you'd be ruining my night, really you'd probably do me some favors...
coffeesmokethendrawing
I just had a ten minute conversation with myself and the computer.
Sort of forgot what I was doing there for the last two minutes.
cantdozeofflikethat
If anyone want's to chat, you can normally catch me on my msn, zer0harts@hotmail.com
It's not like you'd be ruining my night, really you'd probably do me some favors...
coffeesmokethendrawing
Loading Settings
Really hate this.
I HATE ALL OF THIS.
Man I hate alot of things lately...
I hate that even more. I was never like that before, I was a pretty happy person last time I checked. Had lots of friends, a boyfriend, a life.
Whats my life now? Work and sitting in my room all hours of the night.
I went to a party last night. I got invited to one by some people I had gotten to know at work. What do I do? Go to the party and only talk to the people who came outside for smokes. I just sort of sat there alone, listening to shitty techno pop music and thinking "I only had a smoke 5 minutes ago, fuck it I need another."
It's like I don't even want to be around people anymore, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I tried calling some of my old friends, finally got ahold of Pickles's mom, she said he just sort of up and moved last week. No calls, no emails, nothing. Him and Steph (his girlfriend) just grabbed a few bags of stuff and poof. Rode into the sunset never to return.
Which is weird, as nonchalant and 'un-caring' as he is, Pickles is a mama's boy, he's all she has left so I can't see him just up and leaving her. But he left a message on her fridge, she was only taking a walk down to the store when it happened. She guesses it was Steph, who had been bugging him to move out of the apartment in his moms basement for a good year now.
Pickles, if you read this at all, please call me, or at least call your mother, okay?
So yeah, nothing much else. Couldn't get a hold of anyone and I just mostly fucked around today. I have work tomorrow so I'm going to see if I can't actually get some fucking sleep tonight, and if not I have some new drawings I should work on I guess..
OH, I had a message on my phone when I got back from the party last night, from that 000 000 0000 number again. I asked someone at work and they said it was most likely a blocked telemarketer number, but wouldn't it just come up as 'blocked number' or 'unknown number' like it did for every other call made by a blocked number? And why would they leave a message? Well, nothing was on the message just some white noise and static so...
I don't even know anymore, everything is all turned upside down, and I'm just trying to get used to it.
I HATE ALL OF THIS.
Man I hate alot of things lately...
I hate that even more. I was never like that before, I was a pretty happy person last time I checked. Had lots of friends, a boyfriend, a life.
Whats my life now? Work and sitting in my room all hours of the night.
I went to a party last night. I got invited to one by some people I had gotten to know at work. What do I do? Go to the party and only talk to the people who came outside for smokes. I just sort of sat there alone, listening to shitty techno pop music and thinking "I only had a smoke 5 minutes ago, fuck it I need another."
It's like I don't even want to be around people anymore, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I tried calling some of my old friends, finally got ahold of Pickles's mom, she said he just sort of up and moved last week. No calls, no emails, nothing. Him and Steph (his girlfriend) just grabbed a few bags of stuff and poof. Rode into the sunset never to return.
Which is weird, as nonchalant and 'un-caring' as he is, Pickles is a mama's boy, he's all she has left so I can't see him just up and leaving her. But he left a message on her fridge, she was only taking a walk down to the store when it happened. She guesses it was Steph, who had been bugging him to move out of the apartment in his moms basement for a good year now.
Pickles, if you read this at all, please call me, or at least call your mother, okay?
So yeah, nothing much else. Couldn't get a hold of anyone and I just mostly fucked around today. I have work tomorrow so I'm going to see if I can't actually get some fucking sleep tonight, and if not I have some new drawings I should work on I guess..
OH, I had a message on my phone when I got back from the party last night, from that 000 000 0000 number again. I asked someone at work and they said it was most likely a blocked telemarketer number, but wouldn't it just come up as 'blocked number' or 'unknown number' like it did for every other call made by a blocked number? And why would they leave a message? Well, nothing was on the message just some white noise and static so...
I don't even know anymore, everything is all turned upside down, and I'm just trying to get used to it.
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