SMOKINGSMOKINGSMOKING

I just finished my smoke, but I want another one.

That makes me a chain smoker right?

Lately I've been feeling like a chain smoker. Any stress, quiet moment or when drawing it's like I need one.

Yeah, that makes me a chain smoker.

But maybe it's just getting used to a new life.

Or a new chapter? But then again I've been disowning what I was and wanted to be the new person I have been calling myself lately.

Makes it even weirder to be with family again while going through this. Four years, all on my own.

And I got used to it. Four years. That doesn't seem like a long time right? A short period of time to be away from family, most kids like me stay away for years before finally seeing family again. But I'm not a kid anymore, and now I'm back with mother.

She missed me.

It was nice to know, and see it.

Home is weird. Everyone knows you, and when you've been gone for so long everyone piles up to say hi, welcome you and shake your hand like your a celebrity.

It made me think it's like they think you've survived, survived out there when they didn't have the will or strength to do it themselves.

But you don't survive out there.

You waste away in a box, and then you move around outside your box, but never far from your box, and then back in your box.

I hate that box. But really I moved from box to another box.

A box that makes me uneasy, yet settled at the same time. A true paradox.

Maybe the universe will implode after I post this, because I brought that paradox to life.

Shit, what have I started.

Oh well, I'll just get another coffee and eat more of my Holidaymas chocolate.

Then blow up the world. Coffee comes first though.

++-HART