Well, in my late hours of restlessness, I've been thinking much more than I normally do.
Way more.
Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.
My whole life.
But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...
See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.
It came back.
The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK
fuck
Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..
No matter how far you run, you always carry your problems with you. People say that when they're talking about family usually, psychological issues, and such, but it's true. I ran away from my family because they didn't love me and treated me like a burden, but even though I've built around myself a new family that does appreciate me, I still have to deal with the fact that my birth family, people who should have loved me because they were born to love me, do not and never did. I have to learn not to feel guilty about it, feeling it was my fault and that something in me was lacking, and I have to expel this sense of... a hollow place where I should be able to look back on my childhood and feel loved, nurtured, protected. It's a terrible thing when the only person willing to nurture you and tell you that you are special and deserve love is yourself- fast track to narcissism.
ReplyDeleteI suppose building a new home around myself with a new family is my way of not running any more. Before I left home, I had my family around me, but I was isolated and scheduled in time to interact with them and savoring every moment alone. Now I am surrounded by my new family and I don't hide myself away to behind a book. Putting my work aside to help someone is not a chore.
What I am saying is this... you have to stop running sometimes, and the best way to do that is to figure out what you are running from so you can decide what to run to.
Girlie can run all the way here if she wanna~
ReplyDeleteKept ya company didn't I? I can be real good company even if I am bad company all in all. Don't make much sense does it? Sure ya get it, don't ya girlie? Eheheh! ;)
@Mystery The truth of the matter for me is, if I care enough to stop running to figure put what I'm running from. I mean, there are a few things I know I am, but the large clouded one in the middle is what I'm scared of I'm sure, and the reasons I run from it could be many.
ReplyDeleteFamily is quite a hassle, and so are friends, there is one person in this whole world right now that I will die for, one and one only, and he's been my reason for living since I was young, he's my reason I want to..
Fix all that I am, to stop what's happening so I can see him, heh.. and by now, he won't even want to talk to me I'm sure.
@Gallows You're pretty good company to a girl who needs it's, thats for sure hun haha. And if I end up running there have a beverage ready? Running takes it out of one.