Sunday, September 25, 2011

Really wish I had more time

To read everyones updates.
Really, I do, I took an odd solace in reading them, gave me a moment of peace for some reason.
Granted mixed with other emotions, still...

Anyway, I thought I'd update, been a few days and really I haven't had the mind let alone any urge to post anything, too much going on in my head. It's hard just trying to sort through it all, but then it all still seems so jumbled.
Where to go next? What am I doing?
whendoesittiknext

fuckingradioisstillbroken

Blares randomly, everytime it tunes to a country station, doesn't even matter if I have a cassette in or not.
Doesn't matter if I change it to a different station. Before I wrote it off because that was the only station in town but now.

Fuck even in the van? In my own fucking stereo?

I can't sleep, don't wanna eat. The paranoia alone is giving me more nightmares than usual.
OH, not getting started on those.

We where able to get a good sum of money saved up, moving to a new town soon, maybe I won't stop for a looong time, I just can't handle being stalked and scouted out for HIM.

EVERYWHEREIGO

Started to think this was stupid, and just let it go. Go back to being, the obedient little, quiet mouse I am. But then I find a random flyer on a light post.

Guess what it said.

"nO where to run NO where to GO, got 2, three left tX gX"

three left to go?

Fuck this fuck this fuck this

What the hell do I do
Gah, I'm going to start driving, I have alot to think about...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I really hate this town.

It's boring as fuck, it's cold as fuck, it's windy as fuck and no body want's to fuck.


Last one there was a joke, anyway.
Still here. I got a bit scared when Hart didn't come back right away. Okay so she was gone fore an hour. Turns out she was talking to a friend of her's at the store.


Not really friend I guess. She knows A LOT of people, so she stops to talk to be courteous I guess. Well she stood there for 20 minutes listening to the lady talk about her kids, something about her being pregnant again after already having one. And on her way back she thought she was being followed, kept seeing something move in the corner of her eye.


Now, what she didn't tell me is apparently this town is pretty rough most nights, lots of muggings and getting jumped around the bars. Well she thought it was one of Faceless little friends (as she put it) and smashed her six pack in his face, then crawled on top of him and continued.


...


All in all, turned out it was just a mugger. So what does she do? Does what she does best, kicked him in the face and mugged him! :D
Really, you should have seen her in high school, I mean she was calm and all, really laid back and she gave little reason for anyone to really pick on her, but if one person tried, and took it too far... she was fucking nuts.


Well the guy had like, a 10$ bill on him so we got some gas and putted off as far as we could to the next town. As we didn't have enough gas to get there in the first place, and the rest of our 15$ went to smokes and booze (Which she save like.. 3 of from breaking on his face) we had to get out and push our way to the next town. Which was hard and we gave up after an hour and went to sleep.


Well I did she woke up screaming after 20 minutes then stayed up being paranoid and staring out the window. Morning broke and we where able to flag down someone who could tow us into town. That took a long time, and in itself was a long shot, guess we've just had luck the passed two days. Now we sit outside a WAL-MART with a McDonalds that has free wifi. Only problem now is money.


We where going to camp out in the last town, because she said someone there in town would have given her a job to stock shelves everynight that we where there, but when she knocked out buddy she just got... weird again so we had to go on.


Not fun, but we're going hunting for can's tomorrow, livin like bums. Ughh.


EDIT: By the way, been reading over that Gallow tree guy and a few others Hart here has become some kind of... anyway. You guys are messed... no wonder she's been having nightmares. :\
Not saying all of you, just the one's like him.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Captains log, Star date: lol i watch startrek

Mind you, that title could be bad for what I'm writing about. But then again knowing Hart she'll... not care right now.


Pickles, I'm back.
Don't know how, but I am.
Went missing for awhile, a big reason for that actually. That fucking...


What you guys call it, Slender business?
Slenderman, whatever it is, if I never see that thing again it'll be too soon.


After Hart went on her little coma vacation, I was looking into some stuff she had sent me and other things. She had been getting e-mails and things had been popping up that was sending her off the deep end. Again. I was reading some of your blogs and the one's she followed, even checked out some things on YouTube. And guess what?


Thought it was all bullshit.
Though this was Hart's way of putting some bullshit reality into her mind to help her cope with what ever goes on in the brain of the crazy bitch. And you want to guess what else?


Turns out that bullshit, was real shit!


You guys know what it's like to wake up with some 10ft faceless fucker staring you down like Greeks on shitty salad? (Sorry I just hate salad...)


I found out!


Jesus...


How you all deal with this is beyond me really. I tried to hit it with the bat next to my bed, next thing I know I'm in my mom's kitchen so I thought I was having a drunk dream or something.


 Well the next thing I see after running down my bedroom hall is that fucker again. So I ran outside and locked myself in my car like a little bitch. I don't like this kind of excitement. I don't like excitement at all. Woke up up to my girlfriend knocking on the window, she had just gotten back from work and said she saw someone in the house who wasn't mom. So I said fuck everything, and ran into the house. No one was there but I still packed up and got the hell out after I left mom a message.


And I really fucked clean off. We went to my Uncles cabin in the next province, waaaaaay out in the wilderness and set up camp.


A week later I saw how stupid THAT was, as the fucker showed up there too, only this time we didn't really have anywhere to run. He showed up every night and being in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, so we live it out. Then from what I can gather, the night Hart's mom died was the night my girlfriend vanished, and I went into a Hart like coma.


Then I wake up outside a graveyard, getting pulling into a police station under suspicion of murder. Murder of two people I don't think I could ever have a bad feeling towards, two people I considered my own family...


Well, Hart isn't the only one upset about that. I don't think the shock really wore off until I was in the hospital. The nurse thought I was having a breakdown, fuck it felt like it. So she upped my meds and put me to sleep. It was the only sleep I've had since this all started, that was calm. That felt like I had actually slept. And as for what happened in the police cell. This happened at early in the morning, SUPER EARLY, I was asleep, but I felt something grab onto my throat and my first reaction was to scream, and I did. Holy fuck did I. Then I was hoisted into the air and soon after Scotty ran in and pulled me down.


Now I'm sitting in Harts van, typing on her cousins stolen computer while leeching wifi from a McDonalds while Hart runs off to get beer and smokes.


Life is so Grand.


I don't know if Hart will be on at all for awhile. She's... she's alot of things right now and I don't have ant words to discribe it. I've never seen her this bad before. She's having her nightmares again, but way worse. She's been staying awake as much as possible from what she's been telling me and it's drained her. 


No clue what to do from here, we're still trying to get a game plan set up. At least she's talking to me again.


 Capitan out.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A long time

Been awhile.

Sorry about that. Sorry about missing so much, seems like alot has gone on while I left. Still trying to catch up on it all, and I thought I should post while I have the time, strength and ability too.

Where do I start? Normally talking to someone face to face you ask 'em what do you want to HEAR first...
So I'll start where I can, with the note left with my friend. WELL. That was an experience in itself. The town that he lives in, is a 2 hour ride down a LONG and BROKEN road. And mountain roads. OH THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN ROADS. His town is built up on the side of a mountains with big steep hills and fuck is it hard to drive through, or GET UP. I now see why no one drives cars around there, they never know if they can get the car to the top of the hill.

Enough about roads and my hate for them right now.

I get to his house, he isn't HOME.

NO ONE WAS HOME.

I wait, and wait, and wait, and fall asleep in my car, and wake up to my radio blasting corny terrible country, and my friend standing in front of the van. I turn off the music and get out asking him what was up, conversation starter, I don't really know. He was just standing there like a fucking zombie in front of my car, I was just trying to get a response I guess. But nothing, he just stood there. When I actually tapped his arm did he snap too and realised I was standing next to him. So I guess he was sleep walking. Creepy stare though...

So I asked him about the note, how he got my number as we hadn't been talking before this. (We stopped talking when I moved, as I did with most people) He then passed it over and the envelope it came in. As I thought, covered in that great black marker and O's with X's smeared over it like a God damn slap in the fucking face. A nice personal message was scribbled in. I know the writing... Who writes it. I mean, I dont really KNOW who it is, I just know of.. who.. it...

How do I explain these stupid complicated things.. fuck

"cOme and try my little mOuse and see hOw well yOu dX"

All the O's had X's but the lest O is an X. I really don't know what it means. If it's some kind of code, then it's got me thrown for a loop.

The envelope had my number and "itsforher' scribbled on it.
Lovely. So I had a smoke and a beer, then drove off into the night, back home. Which took longer since I would not drive faster than the speed limit over those roads. Last thing I needed was to hit a bear going 100 and then fly off a mountain. I got back to town and then parked in the hospital parking lot because they had a vending machine outside and because I can get baked like an apple pie and not care. That hospital was once the safest place on earth to me, the only place I ever felt fully at ease.

I don't even have that any more, but I'll get to that in a minute. I didn't sleep much, I don't think I even could have if I tried. The second I was back in town I had this feeling of unease, and a headache. I spent my time talking to people around town. If anything was weird, changed, if mom was doing anything out of the ordinary, and the only thing that was weird was she stopped going out. Mom was a very social person, who knew everyone in town and even three towns over. She goes out to drink every night. But that stopped abruptly and she didn't tell anyone why. I tried talking to the police but that failed and they just pushed me aside as they had "things to do."

It seems that the police force has been like to to everybody. Apparently a cop had committed suicide in the station and ever since then the cops have been drilling up everybody's ass about the stupid things. I was mostly in and out of a really weird state of mind for a few days, and things that I didn't make a point of remembering got blurred out. I went back to the place I saw HIM, but nothing was out there. I even went to mom's house. Everything had been cleaned and cleared out, I knew the landlord pretty well so he let me walk over the place...

It was hard.

But I didn't see anything, but there was something the cleaners missed I guess. I'm glad they did. It was one of dad's rings he gave to mom...

Continued to wrack my brain over that note more, and managed to fall asleep, but guess what? Woke up, to corny country music and my phone going off the hook. I need to change that station.. My friend was on the other end, I could barely make out what he was saying from him muffling it and breathing heavily, but I heard a dog freaking the fuck out so my first guess was something was going down. I turn on the van and speed down the road and out of town. In the middle of the night.

I don't know how, but I survived that, and then the van broke down before it even got to the hill, so I jump out and book it. I've never run so fast before, and I'd never been so scared for someone I hardly remember either. But once it came into view I could feel the fear slip away and turn into a gut wrenching pain. My guess is the dog on the phone, was now laying on the sidewalk, and most of it's head was gone, like, smashed in. It was gross, very gross. I looked up and the kitchen light was on, where...

He shot himself. In the head.

.....

I started to run to the house but then I saw HIM in the corner of my eye so I turned to look at him, and looked as stepped away from the house and the rage just built up inside me. But the instant I went to explode my anger on the fuck was the instant all feelings just..poof
gone

ihadnowantofanythingnofeelings

felt good, for that one instant. that one. instant.

But I pushed back, and then ran the other way, back to the van and started pushing trying to get it to start, once it came back to life I drove out of town. And my, HATE of mountain roads got worse, because out of no where, HE came out and I was sure I was dead. I went off the road.

And I woke up.

A half hour out of town, parked, perfectly fine except for the things I could remember. I slowly drove myself back to town, got a pack of smokes, then got a call from the police station, saying they found something. I lug myself over there and.. guess what.

Pickles. In lock up under suspicion of murder. For WHO?
MY OWN MOTHER, and possibly my brother. Why? Someone found him down my the old docks near the graveyard, wearing my brothers shirt covered in my mothers blood. Mind you only I knew that shirt was my brothers. I bought it for him for christmas. But still. I just...
It was sickening just to hear those words come out of someone's mouth. To say he was the one who killed my mother. There are lots of reasons. But I knew what bull shit that was, and I spent most of my time the next few day's going over and pestering them about it, trying to convince someone that he wasn't who they thought he was. Then another old friend finally came to talk to me. Scotty. Now, Scotty was close to my mother, and he knew Pickles too, because of mom. Scotty found it just as weird, and assured me he was going to try his best.

It was funny because I wondered why I never saw him until then, then later found out he was on leave for his mother being in the hospital. So then Friday rolls around, and I go in to pester them more, I find Scotty right away and the look on his face sort of threw me for a loop. He looked disturbed. Very disturbed. I asked him what was wrong and he said that Pickles was in the hospital, when I asked why he brought me outside and told me what happened. It was like, 2:30 in the morning or so, when he started screaming bloody murder from the cell, when Scotty went to see what was wrong, he found Pickles hung up by a sheet. No clue where it came from, because there wasn't one in there at the time. They pulled him down and found a strange burn around his neck, and rushed him off to the hospital.

He said he never seen something like that, and now thinks the station is haunted.

That actually made my day...

I went to the hospital, and tried to see him with no prevail, and saturday Scotty called to tell me that they couldn't find any conclusive evidence, and most of them are just passing him off as crazy. Really, there are alot more reasons, but I don't want to get into it, as it hurts to think this much, and I'm sure most of you have stopped reading this INSANELY long post.

They dropped the charges. And before you ask, Yes I was going to tell the cops what happened to my friend, but it had been reported before I had the chance, and the police from another area had left to take care of it. I want to send my regards but...

fuck

anyway, sunday morning Pickles was released from the hospital, and I when I went to pick him up.. I don't know what happened. I blame it on the constant sleep deprivation, and everything that was going on, but the second I walked through the doors I felt sick. I was light headed and gasping for air. At one point the nurse that was showing me to his room asked me if I was okay, I said yes. But everything was muffled, and I felt like fainting. I grabbed the skinny fuck and dragged him out of the place, into the van and drove the fuck out of town, and the feeling didn't stop untill I was out of town.

I can't even think about the town know without having chills...

So. We are now parked in a McDonalds parking lot, stealing Wifi and He is sleeping.

I don't know what to do now, trying to figure out how to get money for gas right now, as I have none of that. fuck..

just fuck

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

passingaway

Not much time to update, so just bare details here.

Still pissed, still ready to go on a bloody rampage, but I have been more... calmer than usual, which is scary but nice. I got in contact with someone, an old friend of mine. Turns out someone left him a message for me. With him I don't know WHY but whatever.

Message read "Come and try little mouse, you'll only get beat down anyway"

Covered in all those nice little O with X's and a slender scribble. I'm going now to get it off him.

Buried mom... first time I've seen that many members of my family in one place. They all still whisper and give me weird looks so no changed there.

I cleaned my cousins apartment, left her all the money (Save 100$) out of my bank account and one of dads rings on the table as payment.
Because I took her laptop.

Once I get this note I'll head back to moms, I have to go in there and take a look see what was left behind, because I know there is. I also got a very strange call at 3:56 this morning from Pickle's. I mean he wasn't on the other end, just a ton of static and what sounded like running water, so I don't know what to make of that other than he's...

Yeah, well. I have to go, pouring rain and open window in the van isn't helping this.

I'll be back soon.

I hope your all doing okay, best wishes and stay safe friends.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Walking through a TRAITOR

I have spent all day in the woods trying to find any clues for Luc, my brother.

I would check in town, but there's no where that the cops or that the family hasn't already checked and to be truthful, I saw that coming. I walked outside this morning and looked at the forest that cover the mountains of the town and knew where I had to go.

Because that's where HE took him, isn't it? yousickfuck

I was out there for hours wandering aimlessly through the trees, going down paths, off paths even climbed up on of the biggest cliffs in town. I even went into an old bear cave. Gatta say I was lost there for a bit, until I hit the river that led to the old shack was out in the woods.

The shack, THAT place, you remember that place DON'T YOU?
ofcourseyoudo the end.. of my life was there, where it was taken.. from ME, by YOU.

But
Luc wasn't there... and I thought I, had looked in vain. That I was stupid to even try.

Until I turned around. And there YOU where. Staring at me, waiting, MOCKING ME.

I don't know why, I.. had this plan, if I saw HIM, even if he was 20ft away from me
i was going to jump him and beat the living evil from his stupid blank face until HE KILLED ME
but I couldn't
couldn't move

ijuststoodthere staring back, all my rage built up inside, boiling and breaking
justthewayyoulikeit
I started to cry and scream, I started to throw everything I could pick up hoping something would cause him this same pain, but nothing, just hit him like nothing had ever...

Anyway. I heard something move behind me, I turned to see what it was and ended up with a fist in the jaw. Luckily I've been in too many fights for that to be a good knock out. I got a few hits in the the fucker myself before I was thrown to the ground like a ragdoll and beat on

likethegoodoldays

I always go down with a fight, HE knows that... HE loves that.

I woke up, in my van with a splitting headache, a black eye and a nice swollen lip so all in all no damage done. But, Lucs headphones, and it iPod where in the seat next to me...

Please, just put him backplease
please

I know, you have someone read this, I know you have someone following me because you can't let go of your toys. But I said you could. I told you, a long time ago, I will be a toy, I will be a little playground that you can fuck with whenever you please. And you have, you do.

You havn't left me alone in YEARS, but I said they are to be left alone. The innocent and the oblivious in my family where to be untouched. You already took my father and my older brother.
I told you enough
I said enough, if you wanted them you had to KILL ME FIRST SO WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHY WOULD YOU LET ME KEEP GOING

whywasntienough

please, just let him go...

he has no part in this. And if I have to bury someone else next to my father I swear...

The playground will close, this mouse will stop hiding and SHE WILL NOT MAKE THIS FUN FOR YOU OR ANY OF YOUR SICK LITTLE TWISTED FUCKS. I'll be bringing my shitstorm to you and boy oh boy will it be a storm.

Now, go get that brainless fuck of an errand boy to get off that lazy ass of his, get to work and get this shit done.
I'm waiting


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How do you title something like this?

I guess, answers are needed.

I was walking home from work, and I got a call, from the hospital in my home-town. Turns out they had been trying to get ahold of me for two days, funny that since I had no missed calls from anyone.

Wish I almost did now..

At least I would have known.

My mother, is.. dead.
Found in her bedroom. I can't get any details, when they told me what happened I was pretty...

hysterical?

defiantlynotthewordimlookingfor

I drove, all night just to get here. I'm staying in my cousins apartment without her knowing, lucky I know where  her spare key is...
I don't know what to do...

Thay can't find Luc, my little brother, he's just... gone. I don't have my hopes up, at all, I wish I could but I just...

what the fuck do i do
i'm alone now
what the fuck do i do
what the fuck do i do

Monday, August 29, 2011

I just got home from work
i wont be around for awhile i have to go home

ihavetogohome....

no..

Friday, August 26, 2011

totheDASH

Went for a walk this morning. Gorgeous outside, went and saved up my tips and lo behold I got myself a super cheap crappy (yet fully workable) MP3 player/radio thingy. So I had music and a nice walk, plus money to get more smokes,

That should be a good day right?

Why do I feel so paranoid. Why am I turning my head to look behind me, why am I steering from people walking on the same path as me, why am I keeping the lights on all night. Something bad is going to happen, and it seems like everybody else knows it, or feels it?

jesus

I just, feel like it's there, watching when my head is turned. But nothing happens.

Sick of this nothing.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

busybusyBEE

Sorry for no updates lately.

Work has had a firm tight grip on me, and nicely enough when I get home at the end of the night I can lay down for three hours then wake up and get on the go again.

At least I'm getting that much, haha.

Work has been busy, today was probably the slowest which only makes the day go by slower, and because I'm a freak I have to makes sure I have NOTHING to do the next day at work, so I just sit there..
Drawing.

Some of the customers have asked to look through my sketchbook, got some nice feedback on some pictures so that's always good, and speaking of which, Nox, I got that picture started, might end up redoing them, but I have it started, and Mystery, god damn I have no idea what to draw for you haha.
Been sitting there with a blank piece of paper going "Huuur duuuurrr"

Other than all of that..

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
It's been quiet, and really... that's scaring me. Last time this happened, well, lots of stuff ended up ruining what hopes I had for awhile, and I'd rather it not happen again.
notthaticanstopit

But the strangest part is I don't even dream, and I can normally wake up and remember bits and pieces but the few days that I have slept is just...

nothing

I don't even know what to do with myself. I find myself staring blankly at the trees behind my house most of the time..

goddammitineedsomethingtodo

Monday, August 22, 2011

All night shenanigans

Well, in my late hours of restlessness, I've been thinking much more than I normally do.
Way more.

Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.

My whole life.

But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...

See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.

It came back.

The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK

fuck

Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..

Sunday, August 21, 2011

TAKINGCRAZYPILLS

cantstoptalkingtomyself

I just had a ten minute conversation with myself and the computer.
Sort of forgot what I was doing there for the last two minutes.

cantdozeofflikethat

If anyone want's to chat, you can normally catch me on my msn,   zer0harts@hotmail.com
It's not like you'd be ruining my night, really you'd probably do me some favors...

coffeesmokethendrawing

Loading Settings

Really hate this.
I HATE ALL OF THIS.

Man I hate alot of things lately...
I hate that even more. I was never like that before, I was a pretty happy person last time I checked. Had lots of friends, a boyfriend, a life.
Whats my life now? Work and sitting in my room all hours of the night.

I went to a party last night. I got invited to one by some people I had gotten to know at work. What do I do? Go to the party and only talk to the people who came outside for smokes. I just sort of sat there alone, listening to shitty techno pop music and thinking "I only had a smoke 5 minutes ago, fuck it I need another."
It's like I don't even want to be around people anymore, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I tried calling some of my old friends, finally got ahold of Pickles's mom, she said he just sort of up and moved  last week. No calls, no emails, nothing. Him and Steph (his girlfriend) just grabbed a few bags of stuff and poof. Rode into the sunset never to return.

Which is weird, as nonchalant and 'un-caring' as he is, Pickles is a mama's boy, he's all she has left so I can't see him just up and leaving her. But he left a message on her fridge, she was only taking a walk down to the store when it happened. She guesses it was Steph, who had been bugging him to move out of the apartment in his moms basement for a good year now.

Pickles, if you read this at all, please call me, or at least call your mother, okay?

So yeah, nothing much else. Couldn't get a hold of anyone and I just mostly fucked around today. I have work tomorrow so I'm going to see if I can't actually get some fucking sleep tonight, and if not I have some new drawings I should work on I guess..

OH, I had a message on my phone when I got back from the party last night, from that 000 000 0000 number again. I asked someone at work and they said it was most likely a blocked telemarketer number, but wouldn't it just come up as 'blocked number' or 'unknown number' like it did for every other call made by a blocked number? And why would they leave a message? Well, nothing was on the message just some white noise and static so...

I don't even know anymore, everything is all turned upside down, and I'm just trying to get used to it.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Awoke to a headache

4 days without sleep, worked two 13 and a half hour shifts two days in a row.
My dogs are barking and I just finished my nap. Anyone up for a foot massage?

Anyway. Started tripping BALLS last night walking home from work. Leaving the building I turned my head while I was grabbing at my lighter from my bag to light a smoke and I see this... white.. shape (????? really I have no CLUE what it was, I just saw something white) move behind the wall.
I went to look because I heard someone talking, and I see a guy standing 15ft away on a cell phone chatting. Couldn't have been him, he was wearing dark colours and he wouldn't have made it that far in such a short amount of time, only took me a second or two. If he ran I'm sure I would have heard an echo or footsteps or something.

So at that point I said fuck this I need a nap and waddled my sore ass home.
Of course I can't just walk home in peace, I have to walk by a trail.. lots of 'em, and trees in the night time is something I don't like. You can't see anything and that's got me paranoid all the time. So here I am walking home, seeing white figures and now hearing shit in the trees. I jogged home, telling myself it was just an animal, probably a coyote since they are big here and was just stalking me out. I got home and locked myself inside, drank coffee and sat in my room. I would have gone to sleep but the party next door had other plans for me too.

Glad I got a good nap in when I got home today, I really needed that. Didn't see shit today just...
A feeling of.. pressure. In my head, on my stomach and on my ribs too. Alot on my ribs, I should check to see if anything is messed up again. Last thing I need is a piece of my rib floating around my body again...

So.. not much else. Other than the insomnia getting worse, nothing much else.

Pretty boring really. Don't know if I like that much or not... most excitement I get now is sleep deprivation trip outs, and thats not exciting just... bad.

Smoke time. Fuck I'm glad I don't work today.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Write it while it's fresh

little mouse little mouse
where do you sleep?
i am looking everywhere
but i don't hear a peep

little mouse little mouse
come outside to play
i have got a treat for you
if you stay with me all day

little mouse little mouse
you know it's time to eat
so pull away your sleepy eyes
and come out from where you sleep

little mouse little mouse
my tummy growls so loud
if you do not come
out
soon
then it will start to howl

LITTLE MOUSE LITTLE MOUSE
WHERE HAVE YOU GONE HAVE YOU GONE?
I AM CATCHING UP TO YOU
IT WON'T BE VERY LONG

littlemouse little mouse
you know you cannot hide
so here i'll wait patiently
you i can always find

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Again with this

I have work in six hours. What did I decide to do?
Have one of those nights where I can't sleep.

AGAIN.

I don't even know what does it anymore. I could be slowly drifting into sleep and a car will honk outside.
THATS IT. FUCKED FOR THE NIGHT.

Man this is driving me up the wall. But I just... don't want to sleep.
I mean I WANT TO. But something in me is saying I shouldn't. The call I got earlier today has been running through my head all night.
Been trying to draw, or write to get it off my mind, but it doesn't work. Just bored, sitting here slowly driving myself into a small box of insanity. I'm sitting here talking to myself just to have something to do, to have some kind of human contact...

I need someone else besides myself to talk to, but I can't... talk to anyone. I don't know anyone here, and really at this point I'm sure I'd just scare people away. At least that just seems like whats going on recently.

More coffee is needed.

PUT IT ON REPEAT

Remember the officer that I was talking to back home?
You know the one the one that did up my report when I went missing? Officer Robert?
I just woke up to my cell phone hoping it was work calling me back about my hours, but was delightfully surprised to hear him on the other end.

"Remember those kids that went missing? We found some of them, just out of thin air."

I mean it's not like alot of people around my town went missing, two students from the trade collage and a couple that worked a bit out of town at the museum. The two from the school have come back but the couple are still missing. Apparently the students where found not too far from the waterfalls in town, by the trail. But like me they don't remember anything so the cops are at an end again.

He but me through the regular do you remember anything, has anyone contacted you since this happened blah blah. I told him I can't even remember the last two months too well with all the sleep I had. We spoke for a bit more, he also told me mom and Luc are doing okay...

thatsgood

So if I remember anything I have to call him. Still.

I also got to sleep sometime this morning. I can't remember what time, it was after 6:30 in the morning.
A two hour nap isn't so bad, had a fucked up dream about my ex though. And a hasbrown...
Hungry.

Alright later.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

MY CHICKEN


Isnt he pretty?

Quick Update

And it really is (Surprising right?)

Just thought I'd announce that I opened another blog, just a place for me to put down short stories I've been poking at for the past week to keep me sane while I was awake. And some stories that I've heard over the years from family, friends and strangers.

Story Scraps

On other updates, still haven't slept yet, drank coffee all day...
Pretty sure I may not sleep again tonight... I'll try to nap but I'm doubtful. Still, for once in the past two weeks it's got this quiet, calm not paranoid and overly edgy feeling.

I like that. Been a long while...
Of course last time I felt something was when I really had to pee in the middle of the night before I went into a God damn coma. I must have been heavy on the sleeping pills is my guess, and was just in a dopey daze of sleepy.

Makes sense for why I wouldn't remember.

WORKWORKTIREDEYES

I feel ready to drop. First day of work was odd, but that could've just been me being overly tired, which I'm sure it was. Everyone was staring at me oddly so I thought maybe I was dressed weird, make up looked bad, hair a mess? No, everything looked normal. Everyone said I looked normal. Two guys that came in for lunch where nice enough, chatting me up on my first day (one was pretty cute) but still seemed... odd. The conversation was... odd.

Not that the topic was odd, we talked about the terrible rain that came out of nowhere, what desserts they wanted and the usual customer/waitress banter.

But the tone of it all just seemed.. odd.
GOD I HATE THIS.

Can't sleep a wink and I get paranoid, I see stuff, I think things are all going loopy and the world is twisting around me.

Or I sleep for a week at a time and have a total blackout moment for the whole thing and can't even remember going to the bathroom or drinking a glass of water. So what do I do? It's not like I can get on a regular sleeping schedule I've been trying, but nothing works. I can't even take a sleeping pill to do it anymore. I take it and lay in bed for 2 hours sit up and then start tripping BALLS for a few hours.

Then the sun is up and I STILL can't sleep. I just sit in my room all night doodling and talking to myself. Even now I can't even take a nap. MUH FUCKING MUH.

So I have an idea.

Anyone know a few good movies to watch? Something on the suspense/triller style with an actual good story or something. Or a comedy. I love a good laugh, anything to get me out of this rut.

Or an idea to draw? I've been pretty dry of a good drawing idea for a long while now. I mean I may not be able to put up the drawing until I get my hands on a scanner, or some kind of camera/webcam (maybe my camera will magicly appear) but if you have a few good idea's let me know.

If you have any good ideas for keeping my entertained and awake or to put me to sleep let me know.

Promise I won't delete the comments this time.

I'm not even going to TOUCH that delete/remove content button because both of them seem to delete everything on me fluffing dammit.

FUCK

SORRY, trying to clear my comments inbox and I deleted all the comments in my blog... AGAIN.
PISSED FUCKING PISSED.
Anyway to retrieve it? OR NEVER DO THAT FUCKING AGAIN.

FUCKING FUCK THAT NOISE WONT STOP
STOP BANGING SHIT AROUND UP THERE


Agent Wraith, sorry about that. If you read this I'm doing good.. as good as I can on 10 hours of sleep in 3 or 4 days and agitated beyond belief.. Hope all is well on your end though. Glad to see you still got your blog up :)

Time for a smoke. I am hating all of this right now. TV won't even work, the picture keeps cutting out and glitching up... EVEN THOUGH IT'S FUCKING CABLE. I'd understand if there was bad weather outside, or if I had Satilite but no. It's cable. I can't even get the channels any more, just 3 channels that I have given up on seeing anything of interest on.

... I don't want to go outside..

fucksuckitup

Cancer Time.

4th cup of coffee

And I am wide awake, yet sleepy as fuck. The apartment is overly warm and I can't stop feeling like something is watching me. I can't go outside to smoke without getting scared and running into the living room like a chicken, not to mention that I'm pretty sure there's something walking around upstairs when no one is up there, or at least no one is allowed to be up there, it could be workers since the building is getting some renovations but who would be building a wall at 3:30 in the morning?

Or is it 4? That's what the computer is saying... I can't even keep track of time any more which is a very bad thing. If I stay awake at least I can make it to my first day on the job.

Oh yeah I have a job now, which means I can keep the apartment, I also have internet set up, and the guy didn't notice the free cable I'm getting from my neighbour so I get to keep the free cable too.

Bonus.

Still no sign of her. I call her parents, even tried to call her work. She just stopped showing up apparently. No calls, no nothing just never showed up for work. I couldn't get a hold of her parents so I left a message and I hope someone gets a hold of me. I haven't called my mom, but then again I'm sure she's still not in the mood to talk so...

MAN
it'sfuckinghot

Don't know what else to say... been trying to stay up... don't want to sleep much even though I should I just feel uneasy about it...been drawing alot to occupy the time but I don't have a scanner to upload any of them... and my camera has suddenly disappeared into think air, not that it much matters the fucking thing dies in 10 minutes on a GOOD day. Tried to get a hold of Pickles so he could help me out with that but he's been oddly quiet even for a shut in. I've only heard from him once since last week and that conversation was possibly the shortest we've ever had. Just a "Take some sleep pills and have a drink, talk to you soon I have work."

Click

Gone

Whoo, it's awesome having so many friends to talk to when your all kinds of fucked up huh?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

That moment

You ever have that feeling. That you'd been sleeping for so long that you wake up and realize half your day was gone?
What about a whole day, or a week?

Or a month?

Or a few?

And you wake up and BAM. Everything was just... odd. You didn't know what to do, you could talk right see right, and you probably couldn't move much. Like waking up from a deep sleep.

I had a sleeping problem. But I never new it was this bad.

Haven't heard from me in a while huh? Thought I must have just fucked off. Ha well..

I tried to, and really things didn't got he way I wanted anyway. Beside's all the aligations that I was on drugs, stalking deer in the night or some other bull shit I had a falling out with my mother.
She so blind sometimes. So childish, she can't even see it when it's right there.

Almost pokeing her in the face...

I left, like I always did, because it keep sme safe and happy and everyone else safe and happy...

Thats what I thought. Like didn't want to be that nice to me. I packed up and went off with my friend. We wanted to go to the city, I thought yeah. I can always get lost in a city. I can always just walk down a street I didn't know and just go away for awhile, and no one could find me, or bother me.


That's.. most of what I remembered. There's a small haze that I can't yet figure out if it's a dream... or real. I can't find her. She won't pick up her phone. Her emails... not even her facebook which I HATE (anyone else get loading problems on that site??) I'm here in the apartment alone. Rent hasn't been paid, for like a whole month, so all of my money is gone now. I had enough change left to barely buy some smokes to last a few days if I pace myself...
If I'm lucky.

So there's like... a month that's gone by with me knowing absolutely nothing. Not even adding on everything else. Also luckly for 24 hour internet cafe's that I can pay for with street change. Still...

What happened.. how could I have slept for so long with out even remembering waking up and even feeding myself, or going to the bathroom, or fucking SMOKING.

All my smokes are gone. The packs are there but all gone. So unless she smoked them all I must have been awake at some point.

All I remember is black. A still, cold, lifeless black void.Not like.. I didn't dream. I remember a feeling. A bad feeling. That rip your gut out and still feel it kinda feeling...

what happened to me?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Easy feeling

It's strange to feel this way.
Have you ever had one of those nights where you just say

"Fuck you everyone, it's 8:32 pm, I don't have work until late and I have nothing to do right now I'm going to bed."

And you have one of the best sleeps of your LIFE.
Yeah, it was nice.
Last night was that night for me, which was nice. I mean, it was either I didn't sleep at all for days on end, spent in paranoia and restlessness. Or I was sleeping all the time, and having black outs and could barely move a muscle.

It's nice. Very nice. The past few nights have been absolutely peaceful and calm. I even have some fun while I'm at work (God forbid, I didn't even know I could..)

An old friend even moved back into town yesterday. She was one of my best friends when I was kid and still here. And now I can finally spend some time with someone my age who I can get along with and enjoy a night outside of my apartment for once.

WHICH IS WICKED UUUHHHHH!!!!

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've been so at peace for once.

But, it's been getting me thinking.
That's how it always feels, the calm before the storm...
I can't help but feel like soon I'll be thrown into some kind of tornado of absolute hell and I won't even know what to do with it all.
And after ready everything that's been going on and how similar it all is...
God what do I even do..

Well, all I can do is hope it stays this way right?

~++HART

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Cold morning

I haven't slept much.
At all.
The only day I slept was yesterday, and that was for a whole 3 hours.

Go me.

I've been hoping and begging to whatever entity is out there to cause a snow storm and not have me work the double shift I have today because I just don't have the energy or the want to do it.
At all.

And I don't even know why I can't sleep. I mean, I'm tired.
But everytime I close my eyes my body just smacks me in the face and goes
"No, no FUCK YOU, stay awake and burn all my energy damn you."

Oh GOD whats wrong with me.
I'm almost hoping I collapse at work and that's that.
Don't have to work.
Or there is an explosion, or some kind of...

somesortof

a
like

maybe a cat mob or something

ahhhhhh
SLEEEEEEEP

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Just some time

So I've done some digging.
A lot of digging. People have been disappearing all over the island.
 Not tons of people, and not a lot, but people are still disappearing.  And it seems like most of the cases have been a lot like what happened to me. Just up and gone from their home or work, all of their stuff is still left behind, cars, wallets, keys, nothing is gone.
Most of the people who have disappeared are around my age too.
So far there's been 5 missing people reports, and when I was asking Officer Robert (The officer I was talking to last time, I finally remembered his name) why he didn't tell me about it he said he was hoping I wouldn't have been the same kind of case because I was found the day after with nothing wrong.

But he did tell me he got a weird feeling about the whole thing, and he didn't want me digging any further into it. If anyone was going to solve this it would be the police.
But...
I don't think I can just let this go.

It's all just too weird. The strange occurrences is just something I can't ignore.
The moment I moved back here, the disappearances began, and from the articles I read about the disappearances they have found those strange pieces of paper similar to what I found in my room.
If I can find some way to look at those  papers and compare them to mine I might be able to figure something out maybe..

I really don't know how I'd look at them. My guess is they're evidence now...
Ah, maybe I should just let the cops deal with it.
As strange as this may be for me there's nothing I could do that they already haven't I guess.
I need to lay down. I have a terrible headache, and mother seems to think I have a cold. Tea time.

Damn I want this to just make sense, it's bugging me too much.
I'm dreaming about it, I've bee seeing things.
I know it's just my head paying tricks on me.
But it's sort of hard to work when your running on 4 hours sleep.
Not fun.

ahh..
fuck

++~HART

Monday, January 24, 2011

...

My phone is not working at ALL.
All you can hear is this obnoxiously loud, ear-drum melting static and tones.
And I don't know why. The phone jack has been working perfectly fine before.
Can't be the current random snow storm that came out of NOWHERE mostly because it was working when the storm was at it's worst.

The my TV is getting staticy and has been crapping out all day.
Again, don't know why. I've been watching DVD's and none of them had been damaged before...
AND, I sign in to check if I had any new comments, just to find that the most recent one made was deleted.
And so was my reply to him.

Pickles.
If that was you, your an ass.

If it wasn't... your still an ass, just now I'm a tad more spooked.
Today just feels like it's going to be a weird day...
And I don't want to be alone, I hope work doesn't close because of the storm.

I need out of here.

By the way I apologize if a comment you made was deleted, I don't know whats going on with that.

++~HART

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Foul Taste

Okay, so..
Fun week indeed. I had to force my way back into work so I could start getting hours again. Everyone and their dog made sure to pop by and talk to me.
It's not so bad, I guess everyone is just worried about me.
Still annoying to a point though.

One of the cops that was dealing with my case dropped by to tell me they still couldn't find anything at all. Still seems like I somehow walked there myself in my sleep.
And no one managed to see me walk there either.
Considering I have to walk down the main highway to get there.

But he said he thinks it might be something else.
When I asked him why he didn't say anything, just stayed silent and then shook his head and told me to forget about it. He was just thinking crazy.

But...

I wanted to start digging more into it, but I didn't want to bother him, at the same time I don't know where I would start.
Because I don't even know what the man was talking about.

...

There's something going on.
I want to know what it is. I'm tired of being left in the dark.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

POUNDING AWAY

Hi...

It's been a few day's I guess.
Sorry I didn't reply right away, I sort of reverted back to my bubble.
That and I had to deal with mountains of people and police and nurses.
Because we had to find out what's wrong and what happened.
But..nothing.

There is no trace that anyone other than me was in my apartment that night. There is no damage to my body (I also did a rape kit, a drug test, blood test..) and nothing that could explain my blackouts.
Also the video 
yeahireadoverthepostsandwatchedthevideo..
It looks like it was taken on my webcam, and it IS me.. it looks like me. But I don't remember making it, I don't have the movie file anywhere on my computer as far as I know (I've been checking but NOTHING)
So, basically what the evidence is saying is, I blacked out, made a fucked up video, then said fuck my warm home I'm going to a creepy cold dock outside the cemetery! 
But what everyone else in town thinks is I'm a victim in some kind of perverted attack.
Oh, and of course because I live in a small town, and everyone within the peninsula area knows my family, every town within 50 miles knows about it.
I haven't left the apartment much because of this. I tried going out for a drink and that proved...
A stupid idea.

Also.
My green lighter is missing, and my purple one is full of fluid, but won't work.
And I was going through my binder looking at a bunch of my old work and seeing what I wanted to throw out, when I came across this.

Front side says

"TAP TAP TAP CAN YOU HEAR THAT?" "HE SEES U WHEN UR SLEEPING HE KNOWS WHEN UR AWAKE" "SO ALONE" "GO SEE" "KNOW" "HA HA HA HA" "XXXXX" "DON'T" "NHEER"(But it could be a W...)and a lot of words are crossed out...

And the back says
"GET A SMOKE . THIS MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE" "| DOWN || TO GO" " TIK TIK TIK TOK TIK TOK TOK TOK"

Then there's all these drawings.
I have no clue if I made it or not...
It's all just over my head right now I don't even know what to think.
...
AT least who ever wrote it was thinking about my sanity.
Yes crazy paper, I will have a smoke.

++~HART

Monday, January 17, 2011

Jesus...

I just got home. I woke up this morning by some abandoned dock just outside of town and I have no clue how or why I was there.

All I remember is going to the bathroom after hanging up the phone on pickles and that was it.
Blank. Nothing.

I don't remember eating, or walking, or falling asleep on a cold, wet broken dock so I could wake up when the sun cracked the horizon and letting me get engulfed in creepy fog and stubble around until I found the cemetery. Then I kinda realized I was only 10 minutes from my apartment. And just across the street from work. SO I went to work and was nearly killed by my mother.
I asked not to talk about it because I don't even know whats going on. I just want to have a smoke and watch some Farscape right now.
I'm doing this just in case anyone thinks I'm like dead or something, I'll make a proper post once I feel up to it I guess?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

windowwindowwindowwindow

video
see
see
see
see
see
see
see
see
look
see
see

Missing the fun.

HI.
How does someone do these things? I never got the idea of blogging. Or writing a journal for yourself either. I'm not really expressive, or interesting. I remember everything I've ever done so why do I need to write a blog?

Specifically why am I on my friends blog, writing an entry on hers?


Because, I was given a password for a few accounts to a few things she want's me to help her out with, and she thinks me talking to something other than my cat is a good thing. She doesn't seem to remember all those late 2am talks with her. She got pretty philosophical. Emma not Hart. 
That's my cat by the way, Emma.

So, I guess you should all know me (Assuming anyone reads this besides Hart which she will possibly laugh at me very hard later for.)

I'm Pickles. Don't ask, long long story that I hae never had the urge to tell anyone.
I don't like pictures taken of myself.
I take lots of pictures of Emma though.
I don't sleep.
Me and Hart have known each other since Junior High.
I'm a pizza Delivery guy. (And I love it)
Why? Because I basically make anywhere from 200$-350$ on a slow night in tips. These are the perks of living in a big city. And I work a lot of overtime, and all I do is drive so it's not hard.
Just boring and quiet. The way I like it.

Now that is out of the way, I do have ulterior motives for writing this blog. I have work soon, and signed on to see Hart didn't reply to me on this either, or anything else.
Last night we got into a pretty big fight on the phone, and she hung up. I called back but she apparently went back to her apartment, so I asked her mom if she was acting weird at work since they work together, and her mom said she was normal, just tired and she ran off to the bathroom for a good 15 minutes before she came back.
I tried calling her house many, MANY times, and left messages. I left one here and on her twitter, and sent her a few e-mails but nothing.
I AM TRYING TO GET HER TO STOP IGNORING ME AND ACTING LIKE A CHILD!

So maybe a big ol' blog post showing her she's being childish will finally get her to answer her phone, or God help me I am calling Ivy and getting her to send your mom up to you! And I know how much you hate those two waking you up in the morning.

Now, pick up the phone, please?

Friday, January 14, 2011

This is what you do in your spare time?

Blogs? Your doing blogs now? HAHA. Nice girl nice at least you do SOMETHING while your lazing around on an island.
What the hell are you complaining about. BTW! How nice of you to message me a fucked up message and then scoot offline before I can ask you about it, then not three seconds later call me on the phone, ask me if I did it yet and I'm the one sitting there like an idiot.

Hey, say hi to mom for me, and since your working tonight try and get Rob to give you that big bag of liquor chocolates to send up to me. I didn't get enough for Christmas you scrooge.


OH! Another thing you little monster. I finally GOT it.
Thanks for the password, Now I'm going to have SO much more fun bugging you on the days off. 
And um, cute.

Real cute. Still mad at me? OH GOSH!
Well I made some adjustments and I think once I did it looks like quite the master piece.
Hey, want to get some coffee later?
:D

Scared...

Okay.

Work is today. I spent the night at mom's because she wanted someone home with my little brother, she was going to be gone all night.
'Kay... sweet...
Not that I don't love my little brother and all, I just didn't move back home to be babysitting him everynight again so she can go out and party.
I'M Supposed TOO BE, but instead I'm stuck in once again a mundane loop that I can never escape forever.
Mind you, it's not like I wanted to be in constant party mode again too, that was way too much for me to take after awhile.

But I didn't move here to HOUSE SIT EITHER!
UGH✖✖
He's never HOME, he just leaves once she's gone and comes back at like 11pm, then leaves again before I'm awake. EVERYTIME.
Doesn't matter if it's 2 in the morning or 5 in the afternoon. He has woken up 10 minutes before me and left.
Ninja...
Like...
It's creepy.
AND BORING.

Oh well, I'm not over here every day, and it seems my sleeping.. oddness is gone with the wind.
Mother said I was lazing around the apartment and here most of the time. Late at night I just disappeared so she just guesses I went to my bedroom in the basement.
Her guess is as good as mine.

So the reason I'm scared..
moslyimjustfrustrated
I was waiting for my coffee, as I need more before I go to work in two hours. And I need to be awake. I was flipping through what I thought was one of my mother's cooking magazines, I wanted something NEW to eat for supper..
...foronce...
And all I saw was THREE...THREE recipes, and every other page was an AD for wine and all kinds of alcohol.
Oh and a pizza AD.
Can't have red wine without pepperoni and green peppers.

I tried to get my on the spot comedic genius running, and all could say was. "Wow, read through that and all you'll get is...
...
..
.
drunk...
.."

FUCK ME!
I'M LOSING MY COMEDIC WIT PEOPLE!!
THAT'S ALL I HAD LEFT BEFORE BECOMING FULLY BLAND AND ONE DIMENSIONAL!

Ahh..
Ahh..
Okay, it'll be okay, I just have to hold onto my dry humor on the INSIDE..
And all will be okay.

Dammit..
God..

fuck

Pickles... Come help me :C

 ++~HART

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20 79 6f 75 2e 20 52 69
67 68 
74 20 6e 6f 77 20 69 73 20 61 20 76 65 72 
79 20 62 61 64 20 74 69 6d 65 2e 20 4e 65 78 74 
20 74 69 6d 65 20 77 68 65 6e 20 
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Monday, January 10, 2011

Odd phone numbersandnoises

Okay, so I'm checking my phone to see who called me.
My mother called around 50 times.
Not surprising at all.
Work called twice and a telemarketer.
Now.
The number I find odd is this one.
If you can't see it, the number is:
1-000-000-0000
...
am I the only one who thinks this is odd?
imnotright?

And of course right before I begin to start this blog my computer froze.
She's been doing a lot of that lately too.
Everything has.
My lights, my fridge, my TV.
I keep hearing it's because my apartment is really fucking old.
Well, it is. I lived here back when I was 3.
And then there is all these..
noises.
All day I've been hearing them. My guess is the people upstairs.
It's getting anoying.
It sounds like someone is moving around their furniture.
But it's all day.
And it was like this before I had all these bizarre blackouts.
The thumping, tapping, dragging...
It's enough to make a girl go a little..

crazy
You know?

Dammit.
Ah, anyway.
Being annoyed aside. While I have been watching re-runs of old sitcoms and drawing endlessly on my days off I realized I need people to talk to.

doesthatsounddesperate?
Oh well. It kind of is. People my age around here aren't really my..type? And most of my other friends..
Well...

I don't hear from them much anymore.
heh.

If anyone want's to chat in the wee hours of the night you might catch me on skype.

oharts.

Add me if you want.

++~HART