Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Walking through a TRAITOR

I have spent all day in the woods trying to find any clues for Luc, my brother.

I would check in town, but there's no where that the cops or that the family hasn't already checked and to be truthful, I saw that coming. I walked outside this morning and looked at the forest that cover the mountains of the town and knew where I had to go.

Because that's where HE took him, isn't it? yousickfuck

I was out there for hours wandering aimlessly through the trees, going down paths, off paths even climbed up on of the biggest cliffs in town. I even went into an old bear cave. Gatta say I was lost there for a bit, until I hit the river that led to the old shack was out in the woods.

The shack, THAT place, you remember that place DON'T YOU?
ofcourseyoudo the end.. of my life was there, where it was taken.. from ME, by YOU.

Luc wasn't there... and I thought I, had looked in vain. That I was stupid to even try.

Until I turned around. And there YOU where. Staring at me, waiting, MOCKING ME.

I don't know why, I.. had this plan, if I saw HIM, even if he was 20ft away from me
i was going to jump him and beat the living evil from his stupid blank face until HE KILLED ME
but I couldn't
couldn't move

ijuststoodthere staring back, all my rage built up inside, boiling and breaking
I started to cry and scream, I started to throw everything I could pick up hoping something would cause him this same pain, but nothing, just hit him like nothing had ever...

Anyway. I heard something move behind me, I turned to see what it was and ended up with a fist in the jaw. Luckily I've been in too many fights for that to be a good knock out. I got a few hits in the the fucker myself before I was thrown to the ground like a ragdoll and beat on


I always go down with a fight, HE knows that... HE loves that.

I woke up, in my van with a splitting headache, a black eye and a nice swollen lip so all in all no damage done. But, Lucs headphones, and it iPod where in the seat next to me...

Please, just put him backplease

I know, you have someone read this, I know you have someone following me because you can't let go of your toys. But I said you could. I told you, a long time ago, I will be a toy, I will be a little playground that you can fuck with whenever you please. And you have, you do.

You havn't left me alone in YEARS, but I said they are to be left alone. The innocent and the oblivious in my family where to be untouched. You already took my father and my older brother.
I told you enough
I said enough, if you wanted them you had to KILL ME FIRST SO WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHY WOULD YOU LET ME KEEP GOING


please, just let him go...

he has no part in this. And if I have to bury someone else next to my father I swear...

The playground will close, this mouse will stop hiding and SHE WILL NOT MAKE THIS FUN FOR YOU OR ANY OF YOUR SICK LITTLE TWISTED FUCKS. I'll be bringing my shitstorm to you and boy oh boy will it be a storm.

Now, go get that brainless fuck of an errand boy to get off that lazy ass of his, get to work and get this shit done.
I'm waiting

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How do you title something like this?

I guess, answers are needed.

I was walking home from work, and I got a call, from the hospital in my home-town. Turns out they had been trying to get ahold of me for two days, funny that since I had no missed calls from anyone.

Wish I almost did now..

At least I would have known.

My mother, is.. dead.
Found in her bedroom. I can't get any details, when they told me what happened I was pretty...



I drove, all night just to get here. I'm staying in my cousins apartment without her knowing, lucky I know where  her spare key is...
I don't know what to do...

Thay can't find Luc, my little brother, he's just... gone. I don't have my hopes up, at all, I wish I could but I just...

what the fuck do i do
i'm alone now
what the fuck do i do
what the fuck do i do

Monday, August 29, 2011

I just got home from work
i wont be around for awhile i have to go home



Friday, August 26, 2011


Went for a walk this morning. Gorgeous outside, went and saved up my tips and lo behold I got myself a super cheap crappy (yet fully workable) MP3 player/radio thingy. So I had music and a nice walk, plus money to get more smokes,

That should be a good day right?

Why do I feel so paranoid. Why am I turning my head to look behind me, why am I steering from people walking on the same path as me, why am I keeping the lights on all night. Something bad is going to happen, and it seems like everybody else knows it, or feels it?


I just, feel like it's there, watching when my head is turned. But nothing happens.

Sick of this nothing.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


Sorry for no updates lately.

Work has had a firm tight grip on me, and nicely enough when I get home at the end of the night I can lay down for three hours then wake up and get on the go again.

At least I'm getting that much, haha.

Work has been busy, today was probably the slowest which only makes the day go by slower, and because I'm a freak I have to makes sure I have NOTHING to do the next day at work, so I just sit there..

Some of the customers have asked to look through my sketchbook, got some nice feedback on some pictures so that's always good, and speaking of which, Nox, I got that picture started, might end up redoing them, but I have it started, and Mystery, god damn I have no idea what to draw for you haha.
Been sitting there with a blank piece of paper going "Huuur duuuurrr"

Other than all of that..

Absolutely nothing.
It's been quiet, and really... that's scaring me. Last time this happened, well, lots of stuff ended up ruining what hopes I had for awhile, and I'd rather it not happen again.

But the strangest part is I don't even dream, and I can normally wake up and remember bits and pieces but the few days that I have slept is just...


I don't even know what to do with myself. I find myself staring blankly at the trees behind my house most of the time..


Monday, August 22, 2011

All night shenanigans

Well, in my late hours of restlessness, I've been thinking much more than I normally do.
Way more.

Possibly thanks to a certain someone who stayed up talking with me, damn his charming tongue. All in all, it's probably best for me too, I mean, there seems to be alot I hid from myself, let alone all the others I've hid everything about me from. Here I am, a shell of a person, drifting from place to place with no reason why, other than the urge to keep moving, to never stay in one place.

My whole life.

But still it's all there, in the back of my mind just barely cracking through, Only the smallest bits I remember.
But I remember why I won't fall asleep.
I remember...

See I dozed off for a bit, daydreaming to myself of futures that will most likely never arrive, when finally I drifted into the darkness, the shadows wrapped around me in that cold bare embrace, and there.

It came back.

The dream...
Heh, here I thought that part was fixed. Guess things that haunt your past really never can go away, you can only push it away so far.
I need to think this out more. There's alot I'm missing but still it's going to be a fucking ride just to remember all of this I think.
Fucking FUCK


Well, I won't be dozing off anytime soon I think. I might try and type out that dream one day here eventually..
I don't know it's..
Maybe. Just maybe..

Sunday, August 21, 2011



I just had a ten minute conversation with myself and the computer.
Sort of forgot what I was doing there for the last two minutes.


If anyone want's to chat, you can normally catch me on my msn,
It's not like you'd be ruining my night, really you'd probably do me some favors...


Loading Settings

Really hate this.

Man I hate alot of things lately...
I hate that even more. I was never like that before, I was a pretty happy person last time I checked. Had lots of friends, a boyfriend, a life.
Whats my life now? Work and sitting in my room all hours of the night.

I went to a party last night. I got invited to one by some people I had gotten to know at work. What do I do? Go to the party and only talk to the people who came outside for smokes. I just sort of sat there alone, listening to shitty techno pop music and thinking "I only had a smoke 5 minutes ago, fuck it I need another."
It's like I don't even want to be around people anymore, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I tried calling some of my old friends, finally got ahold of Pickles's mom, she said he just sort of up and moved  last week. No calls, no emails, nothing. Him and Steph (his girlfriend) just grabbed a few bags of stuff and poof. Rode into the sunset never to return.

Which is weird, as nonchalant and 'un-caring' as he is, Pickles is a mama's boy, he's all she has left so I can't see him just up and leaving her. But he left a message on her fridge, she was only taking a walk down to the store when it happened. She guesses it was Steph, who had been bugging him to move out of the apartment in his moms basement for a good year now.

Pickles, if you read this at all, please call me, or at least call your mother, okay?

So yeah, nothing much else. Couldn't get a hold of anyone and I just mostly fucked around today. I have work tomorrow so I'm going to see if I can't actually get some fucking sleep tonight, and if not I have some new drawings I should work on I guess..

OH, I had a message on my phone when I got back from the party last night, from that 000 000 0000 number again. I asked someone at work and they said it was most likely a blocked telemarketer number, but wouldn't it just come up as 'blocked number' or 'unknown number' like it did for every other call made by a blocked number? And why would they leave a message? Well, nothing was on the message just some white noise and static so...

I don't even know anymore, everything is all turned upside down, and I'm just trying to get used to it.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Awoke to a headache

4 days without sleep, worked two 13 and a half hour shifts two days in a row.
My dogs are barking and I just finished my nap. Anyone up for a foot massage?

Anyway. Started tripping BALLS last night walking home from work. Leaving the building I turned my head while I was grabbing at my lighter from my bag to light a smoke and I see this... white.. shape (????? really I have no CLUE what it was, I just saw something white) move behind the wall.
I went to look because I heard someone talking, and I see a guy standing 15ft away on a cell phone chatting. Couldn't have been him, he was wearing dark colours and he wouldn't have made it that far in such a short amount of time, only took me a second or two. If he ran I'm sure I would have heard an echo or footsteps or something.

So at that point I said fuck this I need a nap and waddled my sore ass home.
Of course I can't just walk home in peace, I have to walk by a trail.. lots of 'em, and trees in the night time is something I don't like. You can't see anything and that's got me paranoid all the time. So here I am walking home, seeing white figures and now hearing shit in the trees. I jogged home, telling myself it was just an animal, probably a coyote since they are big here and was just stalking me out. I got home and locked myself inside, drank coffee and sat in my room. I would have gone to sleep but the party next door had other plans for me too.

Glad I got a good nap in when I got home today, I really needed that. Didn't see shit today just...
A feeling of.. pressure. In my head, on my stomach and on my ribs too. Alot on my ribs, I should check to see if anything is messed up again. Last thing I need is a piece of my rib floating around my body again...

So.. not much else. Other than the insomnia getting worse, nothing much else.

Pretty boring really. Don't know if I like that much or not... most excitement I get now is sleep deprivation trip outs, and thats not exciting just... bad.

Smoke time. Fuck I'm glad I don't work today.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Write it while it's fresh

little mouse little mouse
where do you sleep?
i am looking everywhere
but i don't hear a peep

little mouse little mouse
come outside to play
i have got a treat for you
if you stay with me all day

little mouse little mouse
you know it's time to eat
so pull away your sleepy eyes
and come out from where you sleep

little mouse little mouse
my tummy growls so loud
if you do not come
then it will start to howl


littlemouse little mouse
you know you cannot hide
so here i'll wait patiently
you i can always find

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Again with this

I have work in six hours. What did I decide to do?
Have one of those nights where I can't sleep.


I don't even know what does it anymore. I could be slowly drifting into sleep and a car will honk outside.

Man this is driving me up the wall. But I just... don't want to sleep.
I mean I WANT TO. But something in me is saying I shouldn't. The call I got earlier today has been running through my head all night.
Been trying to draw, or write to get it off my mind, but it doesn't work. Just bored, sitting here slowly driving myself into a small box of insanity. I'm sitting here talking to myself just to have something to do, to have some kind of human contact...

I need someone else besides myself to talk to, but I can't... talk to anyone. I don't know anyone here, and really at this point I'm sure I'd just scare people away. At least that just seems like whats going on recently.

More coffee is needed.


Remember the officer that I was talking to back home?
You know the one the one that did up my report when I went missing? Officer Robert?
I just woke up to my cell phone hoping it was work calling me back about my hours, but was delightfully surprised to hear him on the other end.

"Remember those kids that went missing? We found some of them, just out of thin air."

I mean it's not like alot of people around my town went missing, two students from the trade collage and a couple that worked a bit out of town at the museum. The two from the school have come back but the couple are still missing. Apparently the students where found not too far from the waterfalls in town, by the trail. But like me they don't remember anything so the cops are at an end again.

He but me through the regular do you remember anything, has anyone contacted you since this happened blah blah. I told him I can't even remember the last two months too well with all the sleep I had. We spoke for a bit more, he also told me mom and Luc are doing okay...


So if I remember anything I have to call him. Still.

I also got to sleep sometime this morning. I can't remember what time, it was after 6:30 in the morning.
A two hour nap isn't so bad, had a fucked up dream about my ex though. And a hasbrown...

Alright later.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Isnt he pretty?

Quick Update

And it really is (Surprising right?)

Just thought I'd announce that I opened another blog, just a place for me to put down short stories I've been poking at for the past week to keep me sane while I was awake. And some stories that I've heard over the years from family, friends and strangers.

Story Scraps

On other updates, still haven't slept yet, drank coffee all day...
Pretty sure I may not sleep again tonight... I'll try to nap but I'm doubtful. Still, for once in the past two weeks it's got this quiet, calm not paranoid and overly edgy feeling.

I like that. Been a long while...
Of course last time I felt something was when I really had to pee in the middle of the night before I went into a God damn coma. I must have been heavy on the sleeping pills is my guess, and was just in a dopey daze of sleepy.

Makes sense for why I wouldn't remember.


I feel ready to drop. First day of work was odd, but that could've just been me being overly tired, which I'm sure it was. Everyone was staring at me oddly so I thought maybe I was dressed weird, make up looked bad, hair a mess? No, everything looked normal. Everyone said I looked normal. Two guys that came in for lunch where nice enough, chatting me up on my first day (one was pretty cute) but still seemed... odd. The conversation was... odd.

Not that the topic was odd, we talked about the terrible rain that came out of nowhere, what desserts they wanted and the usual customer/waitress banter.

But the tone of it all just seemed.. odd.

Can't sleep a wink and I get paranoid, I see stuff, I think things are all going loopy and the world is twisting around me.

Or I sleep for a week at a time and have a total blackout moment for the whole thing and can't even remember going to the bathroom or drinking a glass of water. So what do I do? It's not like I can get on a regular sleeping schedule I've been trying, but nothing works. I can't even take a sleeping pill to do it anymore. I take it and lay in bed for 2 hours sit up and then start tripping BALLS for a few hours.

Then the sun is up and I STILL can't sleep. I just sit in my room all night doodling and talking to myself. Even now I can't even take a nap. MUH FUCKING MUH.

So I have an idea.

Anyone know a few good movies to watch? Something on the suspense/triller style with an actual good story or something. Or a comedy. I love a good laugh, anything to get me out of this rut.

Or an idea to draw? I've been pretty dry of a good drawing idea for a long while now. I mean I may not be able to put up the drawing until I get my hands on a scanner, or some kind of camera/webcam (maybe my camera will magicly appear) but if you have a few good idea's let me know.

If you have any good ideas for keeping my entertained and awake or to put me to sleep let me know.

Promise I won't delete the comments this time.

I'm not even going to TOUCH that delete/remove content button because both of them seem to delete everything on me fluffing dammit.


SORRY, trying to clear my comments inbox and I deleted all the comments in my blog... AGAIN.
Anyway to retrieve it? OR NEVER DO THAT FUCKING AGAIN.


Agent Wraith, sorry about that. If you read this I'm doing good.. as good as I can on 10 hours of sleep in 3 or 4 days and agitated beyond belief.. Hope all is well on your end though. Glad to see you still got your blog up :)

Time for a smoke. I am hating all of this right now. TV won't even work, the picture keeps cutting out and glitching up... EVEN THOUGH IT'S FUCKING CABLE. I'd understand if there was bad weather outside, or if I had Satilite but no. It's cable. I can't even get the channels any more, just 3 channels that I have given up on seeing anything of interest on.

... I don't want to go outside..


Cancer Time.

4th cup of coffee

And I am wide awake, yet sleepy as fuck. The apartment is overly warm and I can't stop feeling like something is watching me. I can't go outside to smoke without getting scared and running into the living room like a chicken, not to mention that I'm pretty sure there's something walking around upstairs when no one is up there, or at least no one is allowed to be up there, it could be workers since the building is getting some renovations but who would be building a wall at 3:30 in the morning?

Or is it 4? That's what the computer is saying... I can't even keep track of time any more which is a very bad thing. If I stay awake at least I can make it to my first day on the job.

Oh yeah I have a job now, which means I can keep the apartment, I also have internet set up, and the guy didn't notice the free cable I'm getting from my neighbour so I get to keep the free cable too.


Still no sign of her. I call her parents, even tried to call her work. She just stopped showing up apparently. No calls, no nothing just never showed up for work. I couldn't get a hold of her parents so I left a message and I hope someone gets a hold of me. I haven't called my mom, but then again I'm sure she's still not in the mood to talk so...


Don't know what else to say... been trying to stay up... don't want to sleep much even though I should I just feel uneasy about it...been drawing alot to occupy the time but I don't have a scanner to upload any of them... and my camera has suddenly disappeared into think air, not that it much matters the fucking thing dies in 10 minutes on a GOOD day. Tried to get a hold of Pickles so he could help me out with that but he's been oddly quiet even for a shut in. I've only heard from him once since last week and that conversation was possibly the shortest we've ever had. Just a "Take some sleep pills and have a drink, talk to you soon I have work."



Whoo, it's awesome having so many friends to talk to when your all kinds of fucked up huh?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

That moment

You ever have that feeling. That you'd been sleeping for so long that you wake up and realize half your day was gone?
What about a whole day, or a week?

Or a month?

Or a few?

And you wake up and BAM. Everything was just... odd. You didn't know what to do, you could talk right see right, and you probably couldn't move much. Like waking up from a deep sleep.

I had a sleeping problem. But I never new it was this bad.

Haven't heard from me in a while huh? Thought I must have just fucked off. Ha well..

I tried to, and really things didn't got he way I wanted anyway. Beside's all the aligations that I was on drugs, stalking deer in the night or some other bull shit I had a falling out with my mother.
She so blind sometimes. So childish, she can't even see it when it's right there.

Almost pokeing her in the face...

I left, like I always did, because it keep sme safe and happy and everyone else safe and happy...

Thats what I thought. Like didn't want to be that nice to me. I packed up and went off with my friend. We wanted to go to the city, I thought yeah. I can always get lost in a city. I can always just walk down a street I didn't know and just go away for awhile, and no one could find me, or bother me.

That's.. most of what I remembered. There's a small haze that I can't yet figure out if it's a dream... or real. I can't find her. She won't pick up her phone. Her emails... not even her facebook which I HATE (anyone else get loading problems on that site??) I'm here in the apartment alone. Rent hasn't been paid, for like a whole month, so all of my money is gone now. I had enough change left to barely buy some smokes to last a few days if I pace myself...
If I'm lucky.

So there's like... a month that's gone by with me knowing absolutely nothing. Not even adding on everything else. Also luckly for 24 hour internet cafe's that I can pay for with street change. Still...

What happened.. how could I have slept for so long with out even remembering waking up and even feeding myself, or going to the bathroom, or fucking SMOKING.

All my smokes are gone. The packs are there but all gone. So unless she smoked them all I must have been awake at some point.

All I remember is black. A still, cold, lifeless black void.Not like.. I didn't dream. I remember a feeling. A bad feeling. That rip your gut out and still feel it kinda feeling...

what happened to me?